Anger

Anger.  There you have it.  The word the rocks my world in the wee hours where angelic faces sleep and the depraved gather their forces.  On the cusp of the full moon, I was angry.  Filled with fury and self pity.  I was angry at having to work through he night without any real rest during the day.  I was angry that I was in a position that warranted my night work on bended knees, sore from the concrete below them.  I was angry at husband for not having more machismo to say "to hell with you, not my wife!".  I was angry with the fact that I am an educated woman with above average intelligence and whole lot of chutzpa that was dead tired, her gut wrenching from too much coffee just so she could stay awake.  The anger in my heart was boiling...overflowing like an unwatched pot, popping and fizzing in yellow blue flames.  The hiss of steam screaming at midnight.

I was angry at myself.

Yet, I turned back my tears.  No one would see me cry.  Not for this.  Not for them.  No satisfaction was to be gained for the other side of the fence.  They could not pity me.  They would not see  my heart breaking in front of their smirking faces.  I would not allow such intimate facts to be shared with strangers.  There was no point in bringing them into my world, for they would never  be more than a passing fancy.  Entertained with with casual banter and a rough sketch of the person I had become..

I have often wondered how we shape our lives and to what resolve?  There are dreams and aspirations, fleeting bits of wonderment turned from possibility to a wisp of smoke that lingers on the tip of a gun.  You shoot from the hip and aim for the target only to see that there is no hole on the bulls eye.

Shall we call this a misfire?

Inspiration

Only do what you‘re inspired to do. That‘s the whole point…of life.
Danielle LaPorte

From the Firestarter Sessions

Defeated

Today, I feel defeated.  I don't really know why.  Maybe it's the cold that I don't really need now (ok, do we ever really need one)?  I don't know.  It's hard to say.

Earlier today I sat in my dining room staring at unfinished things, just piled there on the table.  And I felt defeated.  I felt not good enough.  I felt silly that I thought that all of this could work.  I felt naive that simple determination and perserverence would make it all happen, in time.  Today, my glass is half empty.

I feel as if I keep pouring all my energy into forging a "dream" life...yet I am exhausted.  My body, mind and spirit are crying "STOP".  Hence the cold.  I look at my designs and ask, why are they not flying off the shelves...am I really that disillusioned?  Could be.  So I have given it my best shot.  I have even started a bath and body line due out very soon.  Yet, I am here thinking that I have just wasted the past three years and boatloads of money to be here, right now...still not where I want to be.

Have I made a mistake?  Miscalculated my direction?  Been swayed to think that what I was doing was better than it really was?  Are people just too kind to not tell me the truth?

Maybe I'm just tired.

I think that I should take a nap.

Trust

Paulo Coelho:


“Trust and start walking. We are not alone in the dark; our path will unfold as we move.”
 
Thank you and Amen!

Divine Intervention

It's funny how things work sometimes.  You want to go in one direction, and you are pulled in another.  Or, the best laid plans simply just don't go your way.  Maybe you try to make something work, stick it out and give it your best shot, only to see it crumble to the ground.

Today is one of those days for me. I have been told that I am not good enough (in so many words).  That I simply am not meeting expectations and seem unhappy.  Well, the answer is yes, I am unhappy with where I am right now.  I am unhappy that I am pouring sweat and tears into a company that sees no value in what I am putting forth.  There was a point that I would have been the ultimate "company gal" but, really, that would have required me to become someone that I am not.  A person that put stock in the status quo and did exactly as I was told, even if it didn't sit well with me.  In the past, I would have been her...but today, I simply cannot be that gal.  Even if I tried.  Don't get me wrong, for I have learned so many things at this place.  For that I am greatful because they have shown me what not to do in many circumstances.  And those lessons are invaluable.  I have also learned that I am worth more than I have been given credit for and that my talents have lied dormant for way too long.  It is time to spread my wings.

I have found the satisfaction of working for myself.  For making the decisions, good or bad, the way that I would see fit.  I am unafraid of hard work...I have worked that way for all of my life.  It's just that now, I don't want to kill my self every day and be treated like I am unworthy of more.  That attitude no longer fits into my psyche, and I will no longer accept second best because that is the safe way to go. 

So, I am making my plans to be everything that I know I can be.  I will work hard, and ask for a little divine intervention to help me along the way.  Please, dear Angels, help me to be strong, to be all that I can be and to know when it is the best time to make it on my own.

Lions and Tigers and Bears oh my!

This is my second time in a week dreaming of lions.  The first time, I was at a hotel and needed to get to my room on the fourth floor.  Room 413 was a suite room and as I opened the door there was a great chasm in the floor with a lion on the ledge across from me roaring in all his might.  Scared, I closed the door.

This second time was a bit different in nature, yet disturbing as well.  I was a someone's house, a man's house and it was decidedly grey outside, like at dusk.  I was doing the dishes and happened to look out the window.  There was nothing there, yet something had drawn me outside into the unfamiliar street.  I tried to remember where I needed to return to, since this place was unknown and looked at the houses to mark a point of reference.  The house that I had come from jutted out into the street...easy enough to remember.  As I turned around a great lion came bounding up with what looked like shaving cream on his mane (or he was rabid, but they don't get rabid, do they?) and he shouted in full voice "Are you ready now?".  Then poof, he was gone. 

Ready for what?  They never tell you the details do they?  Always leaving you to solve the mystery.

Lions as animal totems are symbols for the following:
Courage
Power
Royalty
Dignity
Authority
Dominion
Justice
Wisdom
Ferocity
 
In the dream state they are reconning to bring balance to your lives with the lion and the lioness bearing the opposing aspects of the sun and moon. 
 
It's true, I need balance in my life.  I have been working at a regular FT job and growing my business along with house, marriage, family and friends.  And yes, I am tired.  I just wish I knew what the lion was talking about so that I could answer him the next time that he appears.

The Foot Print of the Soul

Wizard Robe, avaialble at www.Daze3D.com

Have you ever tought that your soul could have a footprint?  A specific set of markings imprinted over lifetimes in this and other worlds, all shaping what your life is like at this very moment.  Could it be possible that as some things are left to chance, others are locked into place by old energies attached to our spirits from the past?

Not long ago, I had a dream about a man that likened himself to an alchemist or a wizard.  He was incredibly tall and had a rather rogue like appearance, veiling himself in layers of dusty old robes.  His head was covered with a hood giving me only the smallest glances at his ghastly apperance   For this, I was greatful.  Quite possibly, I was a child at this point, as this would explain his large stature as an imposing persona.  Or, was it his dark power that made all things seem imposing and cloaked in mystery?  After some conversation with this man in his room of potions and alchemy, none of which I can recount, he brought out a robe made of what looked like burlap, but much softer in nature.  Possibly an ancient cloth that no longer exists in this modern time.  On this hooded robe were painted symbols...none of which I could read or understand except in knowing that it possessed some great power and dark magic.  It was old and fragile, yet incredibly well made, looking as if master craftsmen wove each fiber with ancient wisdom, magic and alchemy.  This robe was a present for me to wear, and he pressed me to accept it and put it on.  Yet, I could not.  I felt the ominous power of the robe, the room, the man wizard and I could not take the ancient cloth as my own.  I turned and ran towards an opening in the wall as if passing through a time capsule and then I was gone.

Some might say that I have been watching too much Harry Potter lately, but in reality this dream was a flash backward...a brief slice of my past in a life that now is foreign to me except in the makeup of my DNA.   I have many dreams of the common variety as many do, yet there are some that have a characteristic difference from this conventional purging of the brain and daily junk.  Some dreams are very real.  They are portals to another world (or worlds), giving us the ability to travel backwards and forwards sheerly by the power of our spirit.  They open possibilities to see the imprint of our souls and the actions that have been taken to shape our inner psyche today.  Unfortunately, many times these snippits of visionary aptitude are clouded by the fogginess of our daily lives or circumstance,  or even quite possibly by neccessity since the whole truth of the past would change our future in an adverse way.  In any case, these sometimes confusing slide shows are meant to show us a very real part of what has shaped us today.

What have your dreams revealed to you lately?

Sunday reflection

Do not let those who have no vision guide you along your path, for their progress is only advanced by your hard work.

Daily Inspiration....Opportunity

Opportunity is not one chance, but a series of moments that present themselves to you for the taking.  Not every moment of opportunity will be right for you and for your right livelihood.  When the perfect one comes, the door will fly open, locks bursting, allowing you to walk through without doubt.

Remember: A closed door is simply an occassion for opportunity to knock.

Daily Inspiration...Hope

All things start with hope.  Even in the darkest moments, the light of hope will illuminate your path and lead you to love.

Daily Inspiration...Power

You are stronger than you think you are.  Be Powerful!

Daily Meditation

Your Daily Meditation...

I am just where I need to be, right at this moment.  Let this place serve my best and highest good.

Dear God

Dear God,

Let me help you

show the naysayers

that your love is real

I know that they

doubt

all the magnificent

works

of your hands

they question the

destruction

and misunderstand

that all circumstance

is a creation

of their lack of love

and denial

Dear God

I have faced

many trials

where I have wondered

about your purpose

and how I would

survive

yet all was in your gamebook

mapped out for me

to become closer to you

through every hardship

I will not back down

from my journey

for you have been there

along every step

Dear God

help them to see

who you truly are.

A Winter's Prayer

My leaves have all curled

 and fallen to the ground

 my weather worn bark

 has split its seams

I am covered with

 the tiniest of snowcrystals

making a chilly deposit

on each of my

once glorious branches

Let me have this time

of solace and reflection

to replenish all that has been lost

when the sparrows have left

and their songs

no longer enchant my soul

may I have that memory

to bring me forward

may I have that memory

while I slumber

Let me take this time

to gather my visions

for tomorrow's new dawn

will bring change and warmth

the buds of my leaves

will come forth and

raise their hearts to the light

of the glorious sun

until then

 let my heart

be conent

let my dreams

be calm

 my will strong

until God's  light

brings beauty's rest

to a close

Mary Magdalene...an introduction

Italian painter Bernardino Luini's "The Conversion of Magdalene", circa 1525. Luini's painting shows Martha, Mary's sister, on the left pointing toward heaven; Mary, to the right, repeats the gesture to indicate that she too will follow Jesus.


Mary's symbolism lies in love and strength.  Exiled and hidden, her mythical journeys after the death of Christ lead to romanticized stories in Western Europe.  My fascination with Mary continues, as she is the pre-eminent figure in the Bible that somehow, has been given an unfair history.

More of the Magdalene to come...